this is for you..

and only for you..

for the smiles and laughter
for the sugar and the ride
for the songs..
for all the smiley faces
for the something somethings..

for making my face light up
just at the beep of the phone
for making me frown..
everytime i realise its not you..

for talking late into the night
for saying you like the same moon
i admire
for sending me random pics of you

for saying that you love me..
for thinking you made me angry
for reaching out..
and without me realising..
taking my heart..

ashraf..
i love you da..
=)
inshahallah now and for the rest of our lives..

Ramadan is over..
can you believe it?
i mean it was that fast..
i think this ramadan was the most unfulfilled one..
i did not get the 27th.. sadly
i am very sure its Allah's plan..
i mean everything is His..
but this is probably the most meticulous of all..

He surely is getting some joy out of my utter disappointment..
and worst of all.. i had a real bad feeling i was gona end up missing it!!

sighs..

but otherwise..
Ramadan went so fast..
the weather was ridiculously hot..
many patient testers were around..

and its not only me!

i was talking to a teacher/AED who was more than glad to agree with me..
honestly..
its the weather..
first time i had to drag my feet to taraweeh.
and im usually hopping and running to the mosque coz i love taraweeh..
so yes..
this ramadan was testy..







on another note..
about the cute boy who said he loves me..


we had a school visit..
i gave a class talk
the kid wanted to sit in..
for him it was a moment to gloat about..
miss aneesa is talking about me..
all about me and only about me..


it was a strange moment..
coz here i was painting a bleak picture to the class of 7 year olds..
about his condition and how it affects him..
and y is he special and how come he walks differently..
and there he was shouting random comments on how fast he can run
and how excited he is..


soon the class was asked about him
and an unanimous chorus about how mean he is..
how he loves to shout and distract the rest..
how he grabs his classmates worksheets and laughs..
how he is a great distraction..
( to which he was in great denial; after all they shouted too)


when they were prompted about his better qualities
a voice boomed that there were none to share...
the kid was quiet during this duration..
then a girl piped: he is a great friend, he befriended me
and then another followed suit. he said that the kid was taught by him


the kid was grinning and was glad.
i told him to promise that he will behave
and he promised in front of his whole class
someone shouted that he will not keep to his promise..
the class was then made to promise that they will remind him of his promise if he were to forget


a pinky promise was then made..
a boy behind then tapped the kid
"J," he said
"lets promise not to shout"
the two little fingers intertwined as a seal
a mark of a new beginning
a smile a spark a sidekick

the kid then turned to me..
in a failed attempt to whisper..
"Ms aneesa ive got a friend now"
accompanied with a sheepish grin


my heart started to glow..
he's got a new pal oh ya..
and all thanks to me..
and of course the Man up there..


we continued..
the talk about the kid..
at the end of the session..
i opened the floor for qns.


a boy then asked..
why was the kid like this..
i tried to explain..
" he is born a bit earlier you see"
then a girl nodded her head..
"yes he is 8 while we are only 7"


i started to grin in amusement..
but had to clarify
"we need to be in our mum's tummy for 9 months..
but J came out earlier..
around 8 months or so.."


a few bobbing heads..
more puzzled faces..
i left it at that..
then the kid said..
in a hushed tone..
"why me.. why am I like that?"
"I don't like being this way"


i had nothing to say..
pursed my lips in dismay..
how can i answer the question..
indeed why is he this way..


a couple of weeks later..
i went to the kid's home for therapy..
he jumped and was quick to tell me..
that the promise was not broken..
and he had 5 best friends now..


when i asked how many he had before..
he said oh well then it was a zero
but tomorrow it'll be 3 more..
i grinned and said alright..
tomorrow youll get 3 more..


i'm loving it..=)


oh at least thats what i thought..
till i went to his school again
and they told me that he hadn't changed..
the devil now had a weapon
"ms aneesa said everyone promised to be my friend"
thats his tag line now..
his halo is no longer there..
and now i know the cunning kid..
filling me with words that he knew i wanted to hear..
not entirely false..
but surely its a crime..
for a kid to twist the words
of his therapist, anytime..


hmmm..

i don't know if to laugh out loud
or burst into flame..
at the marvelous darling
who just isn't sane..
the way he smiles..
and combs his mane..
how can an 8 year old be this way?
its the disability that has taught him well
to fend himself..
nonetheless he is my cute angel
with his devil tail and horn..


till next time..


and yes..
glad tidings i hear..
hope all goes well..
my dear..
all is forgiven and truly forgotten..



indeed a new chapter has begun..
indeed i see the wisdom..
after all who can judge the Master of planners..
for He has calculated the steps that we had only taught of taking.
truly the Almighty is Great..

Do you know the feeling?
when the heart beats against the chest..
the ache?


you know the reason for the ache.. 
when you think about the reason..
there is a logical flaw..
it just doesn't make sense..


no.. no sense at all..
--------------






I used to think that those who have a heart attack..after they have heard a heart breaking news were lying..
how can emotions deter the way the heart beats?
how can the electric impulses, the surge of energy, the tensing of the muscles, the rhythm of the beats change just coz of emotions the brain depicts..




logical flaw..
they had a heart attack not due to the emotions that were ready to explode causing the blood capsule to shrink and freeze..
just like they would have wanted time to freeze..
no they didn't..
not then..
not to me..




but now i realise that it can be true..


there is a possibility.. that the mind and heart can work as one.. 


the spiritual heart can ache.. 


and the physical heart can catch the rhythm and toy with it..


an emotional pain can materialise.. 


it can be like a knife being plunged into the heart, 


twisted and wrenched out..
--------------










you know..the feeling when you think back about the times..
you search your memory.. trying to understand the reasons..
for the argument.. the fall out.. the anger..
yet nothing materializes..
there seems to be no reasons of sorts..
nothing..
you tug and pull.. in hopes of an explanation..
surely you couldn't have had a fit over nothing..
there must be something..
extremely justifiable..
something that was of wisdom that lead to the unhappiness.. the dispute..
then it hits you..




no there was only anger tossed in with ego and irrational thinking..
that lead to the moment of departure..
and then you realise that you have lost a friend, a partner, a relation over nothing..
yes nothing..
--------------------














you know.. the feeling.. that you are doing something altruistic..
you feel you have given up something..
you delude yourself into thinking that its for the best..






its like a son placing his mother in a hospice..
its better for her there, he says..
yet he didn't ask his mother if she wanted the new place..
if all she wanted was his daily presences despite the snarls that accompanied his being..






no he decides that he knows whats best..
he depicts..
he determines..
he dictates..
there is no say for the other party..






sometimes.. some sacrifices are unnecessary..
its like hiding a lolly from a child and telling yourself that she wouldn't lose her teeth..
its for her best you say..
trust me my friend..
you are veiled by a delusion..
that only you can see..
you think that the sacrifices are appreciated and needed..
its not for the best of the rest..






no..
its only for your best..
after all you are only doing it in the pretense of being altruistic..
deep down you know..
there is no such thing as altruism..
its each man for himself..
and you are just trying to save your a**
----------------

Ramadan is coming..
it marks so many things..
the fasting..
the closeness to the Greatest..
yet it also marks the end of this chapter..
as the dateline approaches..
I wonder if the answer will be different this time..
i have no courage to say..
for you have already spoken your truth..
ill just swallow the words..
that have come so close to the throat..
perhaps i hope..
this time if given the chance itll be a different answer..
if not i hope..
for courage and strength..
to carry this weight..






hope was with me..
now its lost in the midst..
i am plucking courage that used to surround me..






how can a tornado come and destroy..
everything in its path..
but leave somethings untouched?






how can a fingerprint be found in something without contact..
how can the sound renounce in the deafness of the soul..






I don't understand this all..
But do i really wanna figure this all out?
Let bygones be bygones..
so easy to preach..
its the practice that is hard..


---------


Ramadan.. please come fast...
i want to hold onto you tight and never let you go..


------




I saw a kid today..
his eyes wide..
his smile bright..
I remember the reason i do what i do..
i love my job..
i love empowering a child to run..
to walk..
to crawl..




today he told me i love you..
4 months ago..
he clung onto his gate..
screamed at the top of his lungs..
I HATE YOU..




both times it warmed my heart..
after all there is only a fine line between the two words..
love and hate..
both passionate..
both encompassing..
---------

ever felt a great sense of awe?
ashamed at your own flaws that seems endless?


the past weeks have served as a reminder of where i stand and
the effort that i have put..
or more like not put in..
i have been humbled by some people's patience..
something that i know that i will never be able to compete..
let alone preceed..


i have been granted the gift of time..which i have let waste away..
i know that time is ticking..
yet knowing alone serves no purpose..
its a reminder..
but nothing more..
just a simple reminder..which i frequently chuck away into the unknown depths of my mind..


i know that this is what i love..
i know tha physio is something i chose..
it chose me..
it wasn't something thrown at my face..
it was something that i had gone after..



yet after knowing all these..



i don't seem to throw myself into learning about everything..
i think that this dunya is somthing that will not last..
but then i haven't been working any hard for akhirah
i know i am fooling myself.
i am cheating..yet i know that the cheated one is me
and the loser is me..
how much more foolish can i get..




i hope ill end my seemingly useless attitude soon
i hope i learn patience and knowledge from you..
i hope to be a stronger person..
one who stands tall with knowledge..
both dunya and akhirah..
not one crouching in utter ignorance..






i don't lie..
and i hope not to..
but sometimes the truth seems more unbelieveable than a lie..
believe it or not..
gee i dont'care much, but i do care enough to think about your thoughts..

yea..



i m the foolish one..
maybe i should be more selfish?
maybe i should be more scheming..
but strangely i was never taught them..
maybe..
its time to learn...