[10:30:00 PM]
Do you know the feeling?
when the heart beats against the chest..
the ache?
you know the reason for the ache..
when you think about the reason..
there is a logical flaw..
it just doesn't make sense..
no.. no sense at all..
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I used to think that those who have a heart attack..after they have heard a heart breaking news were lying..
how can emotions deter the way the heart beats?
how can the electric impulses, the surge of energy, the tensing of the muscles, the rhythm of the beats change just coz of emotions the brain depicts..
logical flaw..
they had a heart attack not due to the emotions that were ready to explode causing the blood capsule to shrink and freeze..
just like they would have wanted time to freeze..
no they didn't..
not then..
not to me..
but now i realise that it can be true..
there is a possibility.. that the mind and heart can work as one..
the spiritual heart can ache..
and the physical heart can catch the rhythm and toy with it..
an emotional pain can materialise..
it can be like a knife being plunged into the heart,
twisted and wrenched out..
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you know..the feeling when you think back about the times..
you search your memory.. trying to understand the reasons..
for the argument.. the fall out.. the anger..
yet nothing materializes..
there seems to be no reasons of sorts..
nothing..
you tug and pull.. in hopes of an explanation..
surely you couldn't have had a fit over nothing..
there must be something..
extremely justifiable..
something that was of wisdom that lead to the unhappiness.. the dispute..
then it hits you..
no there was only anger tossed in with ego and irrational thinking..
that lead to the moment of departure..
and then you realise that you have lost a friend, a partner, a relation over nothing..
yes nothing..
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you know.. the feeling.. that you are doing something altruistic..
you feel you have given up something..
you delude yourself into thinking that its for the best..
its like a son placing his mother in a hospice..
its better for her there, he says..
yet he didn't ask his mother if she wanted the new place..
if all she wanted was his daily presences despite the snarls that accompanied his being..
no he decides that he knows whats best..
he depicts..
he determines..
he dictates..
there is no say for the other party..
sometimes.. some sacrifices are unnecessary..
its like hiding a lolly from a child and telling yourself that she wouldn't lose her teeth..
its for her best you say..
trust me my friend..
you are veiled by a delusion..
that only you can see..
you think that the sacrifices are appreciated and needed..
its not for the best of the rest..
no..
its only for your best..
after all you are only doing it in the pretense of being altruistic..
deep down you know..
there is no such thing as altruism..
its each man for himself..
and you are just trying to save your a**
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Ramadan is coming..
it marks so many things..
the fasting..
the closeness to the Greatest..
yet it also marks the end of this chapter..
as the dateline approaches..
I wonder if the answer will be different this time..
i have no courage to say..
for you have already spoken your truth..
ill just swallow the words..
that have come so close to the throat..
perhaps i hope..
this time if given the chance itll be a different answer..
if not i hope..
for courage and strength..
to carry this weight..
hope was with me..
now its lost in the midst..
i am plucking courage that used to surround me..
how can a tornado come and destroy..
everything in its path..
but leave somethings untouched?
how can a fingerprint be found in something without contact..
how can the sound renounce in the deafness of the soul..
I don't understand this all..
But do i really wanna figure this all out?
Let bygones be bygones..
so easy to preach..
its the practice that is hard..
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Ramadan.. please come fast...
i want to hold onto you tight and never let you go..
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I saw a kid today..
his eyes wide..
his smile bright..
I remember the reason i do what i do..
i love my job..
i love empowering a child to run..
to walk..
to crawl..
today he told me i love you..
4 months ago..
he clung onto his gate..
screamed at the top of his lungs..
I HATE YOU..
both times it warmed my heart..
after all there is only a fine line between the two words..
love and hate..
both passionate..
both encompassing..
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SPArkling
SMile